what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
