i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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