I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
