I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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