thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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