What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
