Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
