The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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