I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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