she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
