Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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