its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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