I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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