You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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