I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
