hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
zippers are such a cool invention
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
