I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize
