I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
