I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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