Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Is Oprah even human
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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