my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
