I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
