mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
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I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
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I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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