The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
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Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
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