I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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