i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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