Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
