Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
