i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
