Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Randomize
