matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
