My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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