y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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