So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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