y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
