What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
