I think I won the penis lottery.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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