yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
