I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Randomize
