Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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