those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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