when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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