You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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