I'm going to jail i love you
Best friends brother. Beat that.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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