the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
