so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
