i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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