I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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