but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
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I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
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Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I want a musical about memes.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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