I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
