sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
