Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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