cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
