Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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