the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
