I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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