I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
