I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
