tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
