I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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