well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
