dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
